you know how sometimes life just goes out to screw you and you're just left sitting there not knowing what to do? and all you want at that point of the time is either to rant or to just have a listening ear but all you get is "advice" from people who think you're just not managing your time properly?

it's not ABOUT time management. it's about everything just coming together in a whole mass that attacks you. it's different. it's about obligations and responsibilities and stuff that'll fill your heart with guilt if you fail to do something or turn up to help or something profound like that, that i'm unable to phrase into great words because i'm too worn out by thinking, even that simple process of thinking, that leaves me with tears on my face.

somehow i hate letting people down. even though it's unintentional and i know i don't have much of an excuse because sometimes i know that when i'm too busy, i know what activities i choose to give up and that makes me all the more guilty. it's the prioritizing that makes me guilty even though i know that's the only way certain things get done. sometimes it's church, sometimes it's guides, sometimes it's studies or friendship...

i think writing this is helping me to calm down. i'm ok. i'm ok. perhaps this shall be my new mantra.

and everytime something crap like this happens to me, somehow i find myself turning to the same source for comfort. and i worry about doing so because it's dependence. but i can't help it, it may not be truly sincere, but it's care. it's concern. sometimes i just need that. i really do. because i just can't comfort myself well enough.

perhaps those whom i've mentioned this too or even read this would wonder what the hell is the big deal about this stuff. it's the responsibility that puts the weight on my shoulders. sometimes i think i have too much of a sense of responsibility, or so some people tell me. i can't help feeling guilty when i let people down, intentionally or otherwise. so i just can't bear to NOT do something that i feel i should do. i'm not sure people will understand. i'm not sure i really understand. perhaps this has just been a crappy week and suddenly everything snowballs together and that's why i'm left feeling screwed up by things that may normally not have such an enormous effect on me.